Jack and Jill (2011)
Director: Dennis Dugan
Cast: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino
Runtime: 91 minutes
My Rating: ★
In Short: Idiotic, insensitive and illogical; so stupid it’s not even funny
I saw the new Adam Sandler masterpiece Jack and Jill while drunk, so forgive me if I get a few of the details a little sketchy, but if you had asked me to watch it sober I would have punched you in the face. I would rather rub my balls in gasoline and light a match than oblige to that request. Not since I last listened to Rick Santorum speaking for about thirty seconds have I felt such inane boredom and cynical bitterness with the shitty world it seems we live in, where people find this sliver of asscrack sweat entertaining or of any measurable worth.
When questioned on the subject of euthanasia, I always answer that it should be legalised. After seeing Jack and Jill I am now especially vocal on the subject; God knows it would do wonders for Sandler’s career, a career which recently earned this particular film a world record for most number of Razzie awards won. I can’t believe I can actually say that without sounding over-the-top: Jack and Jill is so bad that its awfulness broke a world record.
I’ve ended up in some fairly awkward and strange places while intoxicated, so you’d think it would be a relief to wake up watching a movie, right? While the alcohol did make much of it mildly bearable (and I won’t lie, there are one or two jokes that did manage to rustle a chuckle out of me), I did feel like clawing for the exits after about forty five minutes of ridiculous crossdressing, unrealistic anthropormorphised animals (which believe me, is one of my pet peeves in movies), and ignorant racial stereotypes, among other things which surely earn from me a solid condemnation.
As many have remarked, the most shocking thing about this film is the presence of Al Pacino, who is either bankrupt or has a remarkable amount of spare time; the only two explanations I can think of for him being here, playing a ridiculous, caricatured version of himself that will earn only pity from his fans. Indeed, one of the movie’s few mildly funny moments is also sad because it relies on Pacino’s recognizability as a star, and familiarity with his previous roles, and it also involves him completely desecrating such famous and powerful lines as “I know it was you, Fredo” and “Attica!” that earned him Oscar noms. Indeed, the film seems to rely so heavily on Pacino’s history that one joke involves the destruction of his only Oscar (“You must have plenty!” he is told, to which he replies: “You would think, but strangely no.”) How could an actor sink this low? In all fairness, they probably asked Robert De Niro first.
The number of celebrity cameos in this cinematic queef seems directly proportional to its awfulness, and there are a lot of celebrity cameos (Regis Philbin, Drew Carey, Shaquille O’Neal and Johnny Depp must also have a lot of spare time and cash issues). One can imagine none of them will look fondly back at their experience on the Jack and Jill set, though Pacino was arguably the most embarrassed. He does give Sandler sage advice in regards to a commercial they shot for the film which could easily be applied to Jack and Jill as a whole: “Burn this. Burn all copies of it.” Unlike films such as The Room and Troll 2, there is no pleasure or worthwhile humour to take out of this movie. Stepping into it, one expects to be welcomed with a certain greeting, though sadly the one I was expecting was not there. Nevertheless, I shall recite it to all reading this review: welcome to the seventh circle of Hell.