This time last week I did a post where I took some famous or well-known movie quotes and ruined them by sending them through a chain of numerous translations and thus ruining them. I’ve decided to make this into a weekly series; each week I am going to do various quotes and lines. I’m also taking suggestions for which quotes or monologues you’d like me to feed through the translator. If you’re going to suggest something, make sure it’s a complicated line, and if it contains slang or colloquial terms in it, that’s even better. Don’t give me something ridiculously simple, because that won’t change at all in the translation. The more complicated, the better. So get suggesting, and don’t forget to let me know what you think of these translations too. Here we go:
WARNING: Some of the following quotes contain sexually explicit language. But fuck that, keep reading anyway.
“Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn’t fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!” – A Clockwork Orange translated into:
“Ho-ho-ho! Well, this boy Billy goat to smell the poison is not fat! Makes you like your meta ball bottle of cheap oil and the stench of fleas? If you have any testicles, you eunuch jelly, visit one of the eggs!”
“I bet you’re the kind of guy to fuck a man in the ass and not even give him the courtesy of having a goddamn reacharound!” – Full Metal Jacket translated into:
“I’m anal rape, and you do not have to curse God graciously, humanity will be close to another person, without a doubt.”
“If you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake. And you have a straw, there it is. And my straw reaches across the room, and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!” – There Will Be Blood translated into:
“You can expand your milkshake, I started drinking when you have a cocktail and a milkshake straw and the whole room. Can I shake your milk, the drink!”
“Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Ass Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in ass-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er… I dunno, “does what no other dildo can do until now”, latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie’s Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn’t get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!” – Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels translated into:
“Listen, now delicate anal fan club to open the package. Notice of attacks after anal vibrator in order to pay part of the quality of sales a bit “gay … I do not know the newest technologies and sex:” What vibrators, but not impossible so far. “The result is that all my shit guarantees money. Pickle is fun! All recipients should be reduced, each with a value of 25 companies for 25 years, nothing offensive, to send a check or something like the genitals of Bobby. Situated on the table for two weeks, yes. Now it would be wise, not to be sold to give the U.S. and apologize, anal tickle fan club, send a check for £25 brand really. Now you have the soul of these controls, how much money there. If it is paid by checking anus, who wants to know bank manager and ask?”
“Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute… what was that one you wanted?” – Clerks. translated into:
“Well, yes, hello. RST Video Telephony. Number of customers 4352, I would like to order. [OK], and the need for each of the following categories: “Whispers of the wind,” “Give them they own,” “scientific fact, that does not belong to,” “Clean up I want to fuck,” “The total amount of 8 must have a dick,” “Adoration of the LICKERS this year,” “Forest and eight of my virginity,” “Pure diploma big,” “Cum Stockings,” “diploma on Eileen,” “Roll three too early to be drunk and naked prostitutes,” “and the black sperm penis pearl,” “girls yearn for sex,” “girl’s hungry vagina”, “II just for men: Connect KY,” “A pink cat lips.” Oh yes, and, uh, “All pits filled with hard member,” Yes… Oh, please, wait … do you want some?”
“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit and a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on a couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you’ve spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life… but why do I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?” – Trainspotting translated into:
Choose life. Choose a job. Select operator. Choose a family. Select a TV whore. Washing machines, cars, CD players, electric can openers to choose, please. Health, low cholesterol and dental insurance choose. Choose an adjustable rate mortgage lump sum. Choosing a first home. Choose your friends. Choose the right bags and sportswear. Choose from a variety of materials and installations, three prostitutes. Choose for yourself, who the hell on Sunday morning. Coins of junk food in your mouth and sit on the couch watching the game boring and then the crushing of the spirit. Its success has led to the exchange of selfish kids, his last home unhappy, do not piss tired, and then at the end of corruption. Choose your future. Choose life … But why do it? I decided to choose life. I chose something else. And what? There is no reason. Who needs reasonable woman?”
Hope those provided you with a few laughs. As I mentioned earlier, leave quote suggestions in the comments and I’ll select the best to be part of next week’s post, and also let me know which of these ones here were your favourite, too.